Monday, 2 July 2012

The Smoker

Boarding the Norwegian flight from Oslo to Geneva I was challenged by Mr LG to pretend I was a smoker. As soon as I entered the plane I contacted one stewardess.

me: Excuse me, where do I find the smoking area in this plane?
stewardess #1: I'm sorry, it is strictly forbidden to smoke on-board!
me: But I can smoke on the toilets, right?
stewardess #1: No, no, no! You can't smoke anywhere inside the plane, it's strictly forbidden.
me: Then it'll become a very long trip.

I found my seat and sat down. About an hour later the same stewardess made contact with me when she walked past with the tax-free carriage.

stewardess #1: So how are you doing?
me: Not too good, I miss my smoke, my hands are sweaty.
stewardess #1: You should start chewing tobacco (Norwegian: "snuse").
me: Yes, maybe. But is it possible to by just one single cigarette from you now?
she: No you have to buy packages.
me: Darn, OK.

Mr LG leaves his seat to visit the toilet, however at the same time the pilot comes out from the cockpit for a toilet visit as well.

Mr LG: Please do go in front of me.
Pilot: Thanks a lot.

The pilot enters the toilet, does his thing and comes out again.

Mr LG: Now that I've done you a favour maybe you can do me a favour as well?
pilot: OK, what are you thinking of?
Mr LG: Can you please tell the passengers, over the speakers, that it is forbidden to smoke?
pilot: But we've already announced that.
Mr LG: Can you make it clearer, can you stress the point that it is not allowed to smoke on-board?
pilot (looking slightly worried): Why should I?
Mr LG: A friend of mine on-board is having serious problems, and I'm worried that he might start smoking any moment.
pilot (looking very worried): No! He must NOT smoke! He will get in serious trouble.
Mr LG: Isn't that just something you're saying though? Like with the mobile phones having to be turned off? It really isn't that serious, right?
pilot: No this is very serious. If he starts smoking the police will be waiting for your friend when we lands. He will be fined with 10000-12000kr. There are smoke detectors on-board. He can not smoke!
Mr LG: But can you make the statement using the speakers, I'm not sure if my friend will manage this trip without smoking.
pilot: No I will not. But have to sit on top of your friend and make sure he won't smoke.

Later I went to the toilet as well. The stewardess sat outside. On the toilet door there was a sign of a smoke and an ashtray, obviously from earlier days when smoking was allowed.

me: Why do you have signs of an ashtray here? It doesn't exactly make it easier for me not to smoke.
stewardess #1: You know, you really have to stop smoking when you're this addicted.
me: It's easy for you to say.
stewardess #1: Well, I did it, I started chewing tobacco in stead.
me: Maybe I should try stop, but I'm not sure if I can make it.
stewardess #1: I think it would be good for you to stop.

On my way from the toilet to my seat I met the other stewardess.

me: Is it OK for you if I put a cigarette in my mouth without lighting it?
stewardess #2: Excuse me?
me: I find it extremely hard not to smoke, and I just want to have a cigarette in my mouth.
stewardess #2: But will that help you?
me: I don't know, it might.
stewardess #2: I'm not sure if you're allowed to though.
me: I promise, I will not light it.
stewardess #2: You should use "quit smoking plasters" in stead.
me: I am using that, my arms are full of them right now. It doesn't help.
stewardess #2: Oh.
me: But, can I at least change seat, so I sit all the way in the front of the plane? I would like to run off the plane as soon as we land.
stewardess #2: OK, you can change seats.
me: Thank you.

When we landed and I got off the plane the stewardess looked at me and wished me good luck. Being a desperate smoker for a few hours was an interesting experience.


  1. What is your point with this story Mr. Klevstul? I don't see it...well, other than "me" in this story seems seriously addicted. So addicted that he is dangerous for the people around him....

    1. I can see you questioning this story.

      There are a thousand right ways to tell a story, but also heaps more wrong ways. Each story is also written to challenge the assumption about the reality.

      "Me" being dangerous? No, not even close.


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